Experientialist: a collector of experiences, especially one-of-a-kind.
(compliments of Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine’s_Day)
Saint Valentine’s Day, commonly known as Valentine’s Day, or the Feast of Saint Valentine,is observed on February 14 each year. It is celebrated in many countries around the world, although it remains a working day in most of them. After New Year’s Day, it is the most celebrated holiday around the world.
St. Valentine’s Day began as a liturgical celebration of one or more early Christian saints named Valentinus. The most popular martyrology associated with Saint Valentine was that he was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians, who were persecuted under the Roman Empire; during his imprisonment, he is said to have healed the daughter of his jailer Asterius. Legend states that before his execution he wrote “from your Valentine” as a farewell to her. Today, Saint Valentine’s Day is an official feast day in the Anglican Communion, as well as in the Lutheran Church. The Eastern Orthodox Church also celebrates Saint Valentine’s Day, albeit on July 6th and July 30th, the former date in honor of the Roman presbyter Saint Valentine, and the latter date in honor of Hieromartyr Valentine, the Bishop of Interamna (modern Terni).
The day was first associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. By the 15th century, it had evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as “valentines”).Valentine’s Day symbols that are used today include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid.
It’s almost Valentine’s Day. That evening, you and your loved one will get together in a dimly lit room – with enough candles blazing that it borders on a fire hazard – you’ll stare deeply into each others’ eyes, order some overpriced, kitschy drinks or an expensive bottle of vino, and reach for that gift bag you’ve held hidden between your sweating feet for the last hour.
Within this bag is either the culmination of months of solid planning, preparation, saving funds and adeptly purchasing the perfect present….or some shit you tried to throw together at the last second and direly hope your lover won’t be able to tell you only spent 48 dollars and 48 minutes on this.
For those falling into the latter category, you’re probably trolling the internet right now, searching for something that will adequately suffice. So allow me to give you a little help in this department, since I’m an excellent gift-giving-advisor. Particularly when it comes to what you shouldn’t be shelling out cash for. Ready? The full list appears after the jump.
10 - Flowers that have already died/are well on their way are a no-no. Many people assume that even though they still look somewhat healthy, they will make it through to dinner. Untrue. If they look haggard during the afternoon, they’ll be as lifeless as Fred Durst’s career by dinner. And they’ll stink just as bad as Durst’s breath too.
Speaking of smelly, when buying her perfume, perhaps it’s best to skip over the bottle that’s marked “Bitch.” Unless you’re entirely comfortable removing it alone from one of your various orifices where she’ll cram it after unwrapping it.
9 - Anything with a ton of heavy text should be avoided. Like books. If your significant other has asked for a specific tome, then go for it. But wing it and you’ll enter dangerous territory, especially when your choice comes from the self-help section:
Or if it’s legal based. Such as, say, a set of divorce papers:
8 - Candies are always a good idea. Particularly those little hearts with cute sayings written on them. Just remember to get the ones with lovely quips emblazoned on them. Because the alternative will lead to a heated battle, as some can get quite nasty and personal:
7 - Chocolates also seem like a good choice, but bear in mind while what’s written atop them may be applicable during one holiday, such as Christmas, it may be completely offensive during another, such as Valentine’s Day. Case in point:
Yeeeeahh. She aint gonna like that one.
Also with chocolate, make sure you eat it and don’t try to wear it. Even if you’re attempting to surprise him with an edible dessert spread all over your body, it doesn’t look good, doll. EVER. Case in point:
6 - If you’re going the vino route and want load your loved one up with some great wine, make sure the label doesn’t say too much about the product. It’s sexier when you can describe it yourself.
And make sure the label doesn’t insult the recipient of the bottle.
5 - When booking dinner reservations, you don’t always have to rely on print advertisements to book a solid venue. In fact, there are a number of establishments that would prefer you rely on prior customers’ word-of-mouth. The below eatery is not among that set.
4 - Buying naughty things for your spouses’ undercarriage can be a bit tricky as mostly everyone is hyper sensitive to how their wedding vegetables are perceived. I’d stay away from anything that insinuates a woman has a hairy crotch:
I’d also pass on the crocheted, multi-colored, penis warmer, complete with tassels on the end simulating….well you know. (Though it’s nice that these do include a cup for the testicles):
3 - Exercise equipment is the easiest way to tell someone you love you think they’re a huge fattie and direly need to lose the weight. It’s also among the gifts which can break up a solid relationship the quickest, no matter how wide Tony Little grins.
Worse than the equipment itself is gifting a scale, which screams “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU’RE AS THIN AS YOU’VE BEEN TELLING ME OVER AND OVER. LET’S PUT THIS DEBATE TO AN END. STEP THE FUCK ON AND LET’S SEE WHO’S RIGHT.”
2 - Stuffed animals are awesome. However, stuffed animals representing the molecules which make up common STDs are not.
1 – The number 1 big no-no. A tattoo of your lover’s name…which just happens to be below the crossed out names of all the lovers that have come before them.
Now, if you don’t have anyone special in your life to exchange gifts with and find my detailed list rather erroneous, fret not. I’ve found you a little eCard you can print out and inappropriately post on your cubicle wall as a gift to yourself. Here you go. YOU’RE WELCOME.
I couldn’t stop laughing when I read this post. The only problem was when to feature it, as the first post of the week or on V-Day itself. My hope by posting this first, is 1: to set the tone for the remaining 6 posts, and 2: to help prevent any of you that might actually fall into this category from a uhm, frustrating and disappointing evening!