Experientialist: a collector of experiences, especially one-of-a-kind.
I will be writing one more post after this. I am using the blog as a way to help me heal and to have a written record of my feelings. So, if you are worried that this is the only thing I will be talking about from now on – no fears. However, I may revisit it from time to time.
I didn’t sleep last night. I have been looking for ways to keep from thinking and I finally tried a game on facebook that my girlfriend has been bugging me to play – Bejeweled. OMG – 1 minute turns into an hour and a half before you know it. Just one more game, turns into 6 a.m. So, I took a little nap and got up at 9 a.m., and we all had breakfast together. Needless to say the game did it’s job a little too well!
As I was “napping” I was wondering – is this what a parent feels like when a child leaves home? What I mean is, is there a mixture of “oh, wow, I’m free” and guilt for feeling that way? That’s where I am now and after 26 years straight of having pets, it feels weird. Really weird.
If the vet hadn’t told me, that I wasn’t being selfish for putting her to sleep, or if she hadn’t emphatically recommended that I do that (which she said she didn’t normally do), I would be going crazy, wondering if I had done the right thing. Mostly, and above all else, I didn’t want her to suffer. The thought of bringing her home and just loving her and spoiling her till I could wrap my brain around what I needed to do, was tempting. Except for one thing. She was falling more often and what would I do if she fell and broke that cancer ridden shoulder bone? I would not be able to pick her up and take her to the car on my own. I think between the two, her pain and the chance of her being in more pain is what made the decision for me.
I have heard so many times, when an animal is ready to die, you will know it. Well, not mine. Mine don’t want to leave me and I don’t want them to go.
But thinking about this freedom thing is intoxicating and it takes a little bit of self control to not jump in the car and go, go, go, go,go!
I had a really nice visit with my friends. As I was standing outside with my girlfriend’s father, he looks at me and says that I look much happier than the last time he saw me.
I had to think about that. Which is why this post was not published when I planned, turns out I wasn’t finished with what I needed to say.
I just lost my companion of the last 11 years and I look happier? What does that mean?
I would have to say, my concern and worry for Sadie were constant. Even if I wasn’t actively acknowledging the worry, it was still subconsciously active. The worry was in many forms, her age, how hyper vigilant she still was two years after the divorce. My guilt about leaving her at the border’s if I needed to go out of town. These are examples of recent worry and don’t encompass the past 11 years. Now the worst of my worries had been realized. The release of that burden, the constant worry, was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t realize this was what I was feeling, but I did feel some kind of peace. In many ways, I will always be grateful for how events unfolded. She didn’t have to suffer. It wasn’t a prolonged sickness that lingered, with vestiges of hope popping up. On a basic level, I would not have been able to afford an extended illness, both of my cats’ health care costs were in the thousands and I am simply not in a position to handle that.
So, yes, I can understand how that might be visible on my face without my even realizing it.
“[hearing the scream of Westley as he is being tortured] Inigo Montoya: Do you hear that, Fezzik? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. ” The Princess Bride